When Belief Isn't Humble

I feel as though I have been punched in the stomach. I just skimmed through a book written by a leading Jewish rabbi about belief in God. As I read the words I began to feel sicker by the page. He espoused a great hate for the evolutionists saying that they are irrational and foolish because they claim the universe was an accident and the author claims that if only they weren't so foolish they would see the clear truth that God exists.

The book basically focuses on different scientific phenomena, explaining their complex nature and repeatedly exclaiming: "Is it reasonable in the slightest to claim this is an accident! If only the blind academics would open their eyes, but they choose to keep them sealed."(This is not a direct quote). The author cites different evolutionists and mocks their words.

The saddest part for me was that he cited many evolutionists, including Darwin himself, saying that when he comes before the complexities in nature it is truly staggering to believe it was all an accident. Which the author than uses to call them foolish for still believing. What I understood from this, was that they saw the difficulties in their theories while he saw his opinion as rock solid! This, to me, declares the powerful words of Bertrand Russel: "The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so sure of themselves, but wiser men so full of doubt."

When I read or hear stuff like this book, I feel ill. Why cast stones, when you yourself do not have sufficient proof (if any) for your belief? What scares me is had I read this book a few years ago I would have accepted it as evidence of my faith. I even saw one of my writings from years ago and while describing why I believe I said: We allow our minds to be sucked away by the "logic" of atheists.

Was I really so arrogant and foolish? I was. Tragic.

I am angry now. However, I in no way am saying that this is the only claim, nor the general ideas of the prominent Jewish rabbis and teachers. Judaism has brilliant thinkers who have written far better books, and are open and accepting of science and atheists.

If one believes he may not be told not to. but he must be humble and realize he does so not out of proof and logic but out of an inner calling. In addition, he must certainly never chastise a non believer.

Agnostic Confession

"I am an intellectual agnostic."

Yesterday I said it out loud for the first time and have henceforth been feeling the repercussions of such a statement. I don't even know if it's true. I don't know if that means I don't believe anymore. I know what I meant was that I cannot intellectually prove or validate what my heart believes; that is, that the Jewish God exists in all His glory. Can the two thoughts truly rest in the same body? Can one doubt absolutely his own heart's convictions?

I just don't know if I have another choice. I know that in my heart I feel God's presence, at least I have on many occasion. I know that I still confide in Him and ask for assistance. And yet, the more I read, the more I contemplate, The more I know, I have absolutely no rationale for my faith. Any attempt is, at its essence, just a cheap rationalization to make believe my faith is based on logic.

Isn't agnosticism the most intellectually honest response? After all, both the theist and the atheist make conclusions based on incomplete data. Indeed the atheist, based on his doubts and scientific discoveries, concludes that the existence of a deity is a absolute impossibility. Is not such a statement in it's own right a leap of faith? The theist is no better. He, after feeling God speak to him or hearing a convincing argument for God, concludes that there must be a creator of this universe.

Only the agnostic has the humility to admit that we indeed do not know how this world came to be. He is bold enough to live in the excruciatingly uncomfortable reality of uncertainty. Some people, those who don't understand the ultimate importance of the question as to whether God exists or not, will be able to live without much consequence. They will avoid philosophical inquiries and merely shrug away their doubts. They will, necessarily, commit many instances of hypocrisy, all the while remaining clueless. They will die blissfully. I dare say, this describes most of society (even many of those who claim to be religious.)

But there remain some who have heard the question; who have searched relentlessly only to run into the dead end of doubt. Their lot is one of isolation and suffering. They are compelled to constantly search for the elusive truth. Their minds grapple with these questions endlessly and are jealous of the naive who are stubborn in their convictions. Instead of gaining respect for his brutal honesty, he is scorned by the "herd" for being intellectually lazy or spiritually shallow.

Is this my lot now? Indeed what is the point of my intellect if my inevitable end is one of torment? I must ask: Why hath Thou created me with a challenged soul if it will only cause me to stray from Thee?

And so, on and on, my intellect will battle my heart.