Is God or Isn't He?

Do I believe in God?

I challenge myself with this question everyday. I waver from agnostic yet inclined to believe, to agnostic inclined to be skeptical. I know what I want. I want there to be a God. I want him to some how make sense of this chaotic world I was born into. I want that his real plan is universal equality and brotherhood.

My fantasy now is that there is a God, and that he is attentive to the world, yet all the religions are wrong and in no way his actual design for creation. Of course, there is no reason why this should be true, which is precisely the reason I wrote "fantasy" as opposed to belief.

What if there is no god?

If that doesn't send chills down your spine, I would say that you either believe absolutely (and therefore the question is meaningless) or do not understand the importance of a god being.

Why is God so important? For without God, this world with it's horrors, with it's unbridled evil is all there is. Yes, there are beautiful things in this world even without the existence of a god but do they really outweigh the darkness? The possibility that one only has this brief lifetime whose end is cold dirt and decomposing flesh. What a horrifying thought! Without a god, everything we do or achieve, everything we build or perfect, regardless how lofty, is utterly meaningless. Indeed one must regard the words of Ecclesiastes: "Futility of futilities -- says Ecclesiastes -- futility of futilities. All is futile!" (Ecclesiastes 1:2)

Some may rightfully disagree with me. Some thinkers find a certain irony or comfort in the knowledge that this is it, and there is no beyond. This way of thinking confounds me greatly.

Someone may read this and assume that I then say that God must exist. That is not what I mean to say in the slightest. What I mean is that God is certainly the ultimate comfort. A warm blanket to wrap yourself in when confronted by tragedy or humbled by the strength of nature. Is it really a wonder why man would have felt the need to create him?

Yet I cannot proclaim, and may never be able to, that God absolutely does not exist or even that I am almost certain that he does not.

Is it simply a childhood indoctrination or perhaps a connection to the wondrous and mystical? I do not know. Ah, how frequent is that statement these days: "I do not know."

So do I believe in God? No. Do I accept him as a possibility? Yes. Do I live my life as if he is or isn't? Depends on the day. What a strange place to be. Unlike the believer or the atheist, I do not have some "philosophy of life" that I can say I live my life by. I am a small ship being tossed about in the mass ocean of doubt.

I therefore must leave off echoing the words of the great Greek philosopher Socrates who admitted: "The only thing that I know, is that I do not know anything.

Agnostic Confession

"I am an intellectual agnostic."

Yesterday I said it out loud for the first time and have henceforth been feeling the repercussions of such a statement. I don't even know if it's true. I don't know if that means I don't believe anymore. I know what I meant was that I cannot intellectually prove or validate what my heart believes; that is, that the Jewish God exists in all His glory. Can the two thoughts truly rest in the same body? Can one doubt absolutely his own heart's convictions?

I just don't know if I have another choice. I know that in my heart I feel God's presence, at least I have on many occasion. I know that I still confide in Him and ask for assistance. And yet, the more I read, the more I contemplate, The more I know, I have absolutely no rationale for my faith. Any attempt is, at its essence, just a cheap rationalization to make believe my faith is based on logic.

Isn't agnosticism the most intellectually honest response? After all, both the theist and the atheist make conclusions based on incomplete data. Indeed the atheist, based on his doubts and scientific discoveries, concludes that the existence of a deity is a absolute impossibility. Is not such a statement in it's own right a leap of faith? The theist is no better. He, after feeling God speak to him or hearing a convincing argument for God, concludes that there must be a creator of this universe.

Only the agnostic has the humility to admit that we indeed do not know how this world came to be. He is bold enough to live in the excruciatingly uncomfortable reality of uncertainty. Some people, those who don't understand the ultimate importance of the question as to whether God exists or not, will be able to live without much consequence. They will avoid philosophical inquiries and merely shrug away their doubts. They will, necessarily, commit many instances of hypocrisy, all the while remaining clueless. They will die blissfully. I dare say, this describes most of society (even many of those who claim to be religious.)

But there remain some who have heard the question; who have searched relentlessly only to run into the dead end of doubt. Their lot is one of isolation and suffering. They are compelled to constantly search for the elusive truth. Their minds grapple with these questions endlessly and are jealous of the naive who are stubborn in their convictions. Instead of gaining respect for his brutal honesty, he is scorned by the "herd" for being intellectually lazy or spiritually shallow.

Is this my lot now? Indeed what is the point of my intellect if my inevitable end is one of torment? I must ask: Why hath Thou created me with a challenged soul if it will only cause me to stray from Thee?

And so, on and on, my intellect will battle my heart.