Where are you that I might find you?
I believed in you. Then I searched for you and found nothing? I saw pain. I saw love. I saw darkness. I saw light. I saw misery. I saw comfort. Are you all of these or none of these? Are you... at all?
Preachers say they know you. They claim to know your will. They say we must follow them and they will lead us to you. But there are so many preachers and they all have different claims; who then am I to follow in order to find you?
Psalmists say they have seen you. That they have experienced your glory. Their eyes fell upon a sunset and their lips declared your name. But I am not psalmist. I only see a setting sun. How then am I to see you?
Prophets say they have heard you. That you communicate your will to them. But I am not a prophet why do you not want to talk to me?
Scientists say you are non-existent. They say you are just part of the human imagination. They say the world proves it.
Why have you left me?
They say you're my father. That you love and care for me, but then why have you turned your back on me?
They say you're my king. That you are the ruler of all, but how am I to serve that which I don't know exists?
That is the truth; I do not know that you exist. I want you to exist. Most of my life has been engulfed in that hope. Yet now, I see no reason to believe in you. They say you authored a book, that its contents are eternal, that its ways are pleasant, but why then is my moral conscience repelled by it?
Do you know that most people have stopped caring whether or not you exist, they just care if they feel good or not? You are their escape from reality or worse, the sword in their hands. You have been used to start wars, to burn cities, to sacrifice life.
Do you simply not care? Why do you let your name be defiled and used to motivate evil?
They tell me I'm supposed to praise you daily, yet you let darkness roam free when you have the power to stop it, what is praiseworthy about that?
Some say that this is all part of some master plan and that evil is really good. Why should I accept that? Babies at the mercy of monsters is good? How foolish!
God, you are comfort; but is that all you really are? A light at the end of a black tunnel? A friend to hide behind when fear strikes?
Am I a heretic because I use the intellect you gave me? Why would you give me a mind powerful enough to destroy you?
I will serve you, if I know you.
I will love you, if I know you.
If not, if this is the lot of the man who searches for you, then God, I guess I'll go on from here without you. My heart stings as I write this. I loved you so much. I served you. I spread what I thought was your truth and you left me in the desert without water, you turned your back.
Are you mad at me?
Am I now your enemy?
Are you happy with me?
Is this the Divine plan?
Your (un)faithful son